The Squashed Harry Potter
by Hawk Sister
Summary: What do you get when you put Harry Potter into 400 words or less per novel? The Squashed Harry Potter, of course! PG for mild swearing.
1. The Philosopher's Stone

**The Squashed Harry Potter:  
**Part one: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

This is only intended for humorous purposes, both yours and mine. I wouldn't advise using this piece for a book report, etc, nor would I advise flaming me. Because I'm not the one who made you read it.  
The idea of a "squashed" is to put a trilogy – or in this case, novel – into 100 words or less. But these books are pretty … unsquishable, so I'm going for 400.  
PG  for mild swearing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related items. Duh.  
Disclaimer 2: I am not the person who came up with the "squashed" idea, I merely saw it under the Mercedes Lackey heading, noticed that there wasn't one for Harry Potter and decided to write it.

Got it? Good.

***

**Harry:** Nobody likes me.  
**Dursleys: **Damn straight!  
*Owl appears*  
**Dursleys: **AHH!!!!!! RUN!

*Go to hut on rock*

**Hagrid:** Happy birthday, Harry. I dislike your portly cousin. I'll give him a pig tail.   
*Does so*  
**Harry:** Whoa!  
**Hagrid:** Oh, yeah, you're a wizard. Come with me.  
**Harry: **OK!

**Everybody in the pub: **Oooh, Harry Potter!  
**Harry: **Cool! People like me!

*On the train*

**Ron: **Watch me be awed.  
**Hermione: **Watch me be bossy.  
**Both: **Cool! Harry Potter!

*Later*

**Harry: **Ooh, broom. I think I'll go on it even though I'm not supposed to.  
*Chases after Malfoy*  
**McGonagall:** Ooh, Seeker! *Does little dance* We're gonna win the cup, we're gonna win the cup…  
**Harry: **Cool, more publicity!

*Halloween*

**Troll: **Ungh!  
**Hermione: **TROLL!!  
**Harry **and **Ron: **Let's go save her!  
*Do so*  
**Harry, Ron and Hermione (who shall henceforth be known as HRH): **Maybe we _could_ be friends.  
**Snape: ***Deducts points*  
**Quirrell: ***avoids Harry*  
  


*Later yet*

**HRH: **!Dragon!  
**Hagrid: **Ain't 'e cute?  
**HRH:** Hehe…  
**Malfoy: **Ooh, blackmail!  
**HRH: **Shit, Malfoy saw! We have to get rid of it!  
**McGonagall:** Sorry, detention.  
**HRH and Malfoy:** Damn!  
**McGonagall: **That's it, the Forbidden Forest for you!  
**HRH: ***groan*  
**All of Gryffindor:** We hate you!  
**Harry: **Life's back to normal.

**HRH: **Dude! Snape's trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone!  
**Harry: **Let's go stop him so that we'll get points and everyone will like me again! Erm, I mean, us!  
**RH: **Ok!  
**HRH: **AHH! EVIL DOG! *play music* Phew.  
**HRH: **AHH! EVIL PLANT! *Get through* Phew!  
**Harry: **Ooh, broom. I think I'll show off my skills!  
**Ron: **Ooh, chess. I think I'll go hurt myself.  
**Harry** and **Hermione:** OK!  
**Ron: ***Glares*  
**Harry **and **Hermione: **Uh, we mean, if there's no other way…  
**Ron:** Better. *Gets hurt*  
**Hermione: **Oooh, potions! Drink this one or die!  
**Harry: **Gulp! *drinks*

**Quirrell: **Shit, I hate thinking puzzles… Aha! It's you!  
**Harry: **You're not Snape… loser!  
**Quirrell: **Aw, shut up and stand in front of the pretty mirror.  
**Harry: ***Does so* *Sees his reflection put something in his pocket*  
**Strange voice: **He has it! Kill him!  
**Harry: ***Pulls out Stone* What, this? Oops!  
**Strange voice: **I'm Voldemort! Kill!  
**Quirrell: **Okies. *Tries to fight*  
**Harry: **Ahhh! *Kills Quirrell* *Faints*

**Dumbledore: **Hi Harry! I'm gonna tell you a lot of stuff that you won't listen to.  
**Harry: **Okies!  
**Ron **and **Hermione: **Yay!  
**Snape: **Damn…  
**Harry: **Gotta go back to the Dursleys…  
**Harry** and **Dursleys: **Damn…

***

So, how bad was it? Please R&R to let me know.


	2. The Chamber of Secrets

**The Squashed Harry Potter:  
**Part two: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

This is only intended for humorous purposes, both yours and mine. I wouldn't advise using this piece for a book report, etc, nor would I advise flaming me. Because I'm not the one who made you read it.  
The idea of a "squashed" is to put a trilogy – or in this case, novel – into 100 words or less. But these books are pretty … unsquishable, so I'm going for 400.  
PG  for mild swearing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related items. Duh.  
Disclaimer 2: I am not the person who came up with the "squashed" idea, I merely saw it under the Mercedes Lackey heading, noticed that there wasn't one for Harry Potter and decided to write it.

Much thanks to all reviewers!

***

**Harry: **This sucks. I want to go back to school and get in trouble.  
**Dursleys: **Shut up and go back to not existing.  
**Harry: **Ok… *starts singing* It's my birthday, I can cry if I want to…  
**Dursleys: **SHUT UP!  
**Harry: **Hi… house elf.  
**Dobby: ***hurts himself* Don't go back to Hogwarts!  
**Harry: **Make me!  
**Dobby: **Okies! *Levitates pudding onto builder's wife*  
**Dursleys: **BOY! *Locks Harry in his room*  
**Harry: **This sucks even more… stupid house elf.  
**Ron **and **twins: **Hi Harry! We stole this flying car to get you out!  
**Dursleys: **Damn.  
  


*Later*

**Mrs. Weasley: ***Rages at kids and says hi to Harry*  
**Mr. Weasley: **Time to go buy stuff!  
**Ron: **Look mum, it's Lockhart!  
**Mrs. Weasley: ***preens*  
**Lockhart: ***preens*  
**HRH: ***sigh*  
  


*At the platform*

**Ron **and **Harry: **We can't get through? *look at flying car* Hm… *Fly*  
**Harry: **AH! The tree that we crashed into is attacking us!  
**Ron: **My wand broke…  
**Snape: **Yes, a chance to give Potter detention! *Is thwarted by Dumbledore*  
  


*Defense against the Dark Arts*

**Lockhart: **I don't know how to teach a class, so I'm just going to imperil your lives.  
**Everyone: **Okies!  
**Lockhart: **Oh-oh… uh, you three! *indicates HRH* Clean up!  
**Hermione: **He's so cool…  
  


**Harry: ***starts hearing voices*  
**Voices: **Kill…  
**Headless Nick: **Want to come to my Deathday Party?  
**HRH: **Cool! *Go to party*  
**Harry: **Why's there water on the floor? *follows water*  
**Voices: **Kill… Kill…  
**HRH: **AH! Dead cat! *get in trouble*

  
**Harry: **It's Malfoy! Let's go prove it!  
**Hermione **and **Ron: **Okies! *make potion*  
**Malfoy: **Damn I wish I were the Heir!  
**Harry** and **Ron: **Oops.  
  
  


*Later yet*

**Harry: **Hey, cool! I can talk to snakes!  
**Everybody else: **You're Slytherin's Heir! We hate you!  
**Harry: **Not again…

*Lots of people get paralyzed*  
**Hermione: **I think I know what's happening! *gets paralyzed*  
**Harry **and **Ron: **Damn!  
**Ginny: ***disappears*   
**Ron: **AH! *Finds Hermione's note* Let's go save Ginny!  
**Harry: **Yes! So people love me again!

*Drag Lockhart with them*  
**Lockhart:** *Obliviates himself*  
**Ron: **I've always wanted to do that…

  
**Harry: **Cool! Tom Riddle!  
**Tom Riddle: **Nyaha! I'm Voldemort!  
**Harry: **Oh-oh! *is chased by basilisk* Oooh, pretty sword! *kills basilisk**is hurt*

**Voldemort: **Hahahaha! I win!  
**Fawkes: ***saves Harry*  
**Harry: ***kills Voldemort*

**Dumbledore: **Cool! You get points!  
**Harry: **Yay!  
**Dumbledore: **I'm gonna tell you more stuff that doesn't matter.  
**Harry: **Okies!  
**Gryffindors: **Yay! We win again!  
**Snape: **Damn…

**Harry: **Gotta go again!  
**Dursleys: **Damn…

***

Yay! Reviews! Many thanks! And no flames! Even better!  
R&R!  
Hawk****


	3. The Prisoner of Azkaban

**The Squashed Harry Potter:  
**Part three: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

This is only intended for humorous purposes, both yours and mine. I wouldn't advise using this piece for a book report, etc, nor would I advise flaming me. Because I'm not the one who made you read it.

The idea of a "squashed" is to put a trilogy – or in this case, novel – into 100 words or less. But these books are pretty … unsquishable, so I'm going for 400.

PG for some mild swearing.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related items. Duh.

Disclaimer 2: I am not the person who came up with the "squashed" idea, I merely saw it under the Mercedes Lackey heading, noticed that there wasn't one for Harry Potter and decided to write it.

* * *

**Harry: **At least things can't get worse…  
**Dursleys: **Aunt Marge is visiting.  
**Harry: **Why me? (looks at murderer on TV) Wish you'd come over…  
**Dursleys: **What?  
**Harry: **Um, I said if I was good, would you fill out this form for me?  
**Dursleys: **Ya, whatever… be good.  
**Harry: **Okies!

Three days later

**Aunt Marge: **Bad blood, he has. Someone should do him a favour and put him out. That insolent, ungreatful –   
**Dursleys: **Damn straight!  
**Aunt Marge: (**inflates)  
**Harry: (**evil smile) Um, oops? (runs away)  
**Harry: **AH! FREAKY DOG! (holds out thumb) Beware! I gotta thumb and know how to use it! That's right, run! (gets hit by bus) Ouchies…  
**Ernie: **Climb aboard!  
**Harry: **Okies!  
**Fudge: **You should be in trouble, but since you got hit by a bus, you're ok!  
**Harry: **Cool!

On the train

**Ron **and **Hermione: **So this murderer is out to get you?  
**Harry: **Mhm. (eats)  
**Hermione:**This is serious!  
**Ron: **Yup! Sirius Black!  
**Hermione: **Not funny.  
**Harry: **I feel sick…(strange hooded thing enters)  
**SHT: (**sucking sounds)  
**HRH: **AH!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Trelawney: **Harry, you are going to die. But you still have homework.  
**Harry: **Damn!  
**McGonagall: **Harry, if you die, you need not hand in your homework.  
**Harry: **Okies!

Much later

**Harry: **This sucks! We lost the game and my broom, the Fat Lady was attacked and I can't go to Hogsmeade! And that freaky dog is stalking me!  
**Twins: **Have this map so you can go to Hogsmeade. We've already memorized it!  
**Harry: **Yay! (goes to Hogsmeade) Let's have butterbeer!  
**Hermione: **Harry! Hide! It's McGonagall!  
(Harry hides)  
**McGonagall: **You know what's weird, Fudge? Sirius killed Harry's parents and now he's gonna kill Harry!  
**Fudge: **Dude, everybody knows _that_. (exeunt)  
**Harry: **Kill!

Christmas

**Harry: **Ooh, broom!  
**Hermione: **Sirius sent it! (sends to McGonagall)  
**Ron: **_Hermione!  
_**Harry: (**retrieves broom) I'm gonna beat Ravenclaw!

Later

**Harry: **Everyone's gonna die. This sucks.  
**Hermione: **(punches Malfoy)  
**Harry: **I feel much better!

Later yet

**Trelawney: **The Dark Lord arises!  
**Harry: **Yeah, right. (goes to see Hagrid)  
**Ron: **Ah! Some dog grabbed my leg!  
**Harry **and **Hermione: **Ah! (follow Crookshanks)****

**Harry: (**points to Sirius) Dude! You're not Voldemort!   
**Sirius: **Duh! That rat, (points to Ron), betrayed your parents!   
**Sirius **and **Lupin: **(make Scabbers Pettigrew)  
**HRH: **Dude! (return to Hogwarts)

**Dumbledore: **Save them!  
**Harry **and **Hermione: **Okies! (timetravel to save Sirius)  
**Sirius: (**leaving) Harry! I'm your godfather!  
**Harry: **Nooooooooo!  
**Harry: **Back to the Dursleys'.  
**Dursleys: **Damn!

* * *

Mucho gracias to all reviewers!

I loathe quick-edit


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